


escapril 2020 - poetry

by huff_le_puff



Category: Original Work
Genre: Escapril, Escapril Poetry Challenge, Poetry, escapril 2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-04-30
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:14:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 30
Words: 2,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23659708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/huff_le_puff/pseuds/huff_le_puff
Comments: 10
Kudos: 2





	1. day one: dawn

escapril day one: dawn

i sit on the windowsill, watching the dark sky turn orange and pink

the sun beats down on my face,

making me harshly blink. 

the sun’s smile is blinding but it’s message is clear. 

a new chance, a new dawn is here. 


	2. day two: growth/decay

escapril day two-growth/decay:

a child is born, and we nourish them. with milk, and fruits, and vegetables. 

a child is given love, and affection, and they grow. 

they grow into strong, confident teenagers, into adults. 

they have children, they nourish their own children with the same nutrients and praise. 

but what happens when they do not?

what happens when a child is born and their parent instead gives them pain and discouragement?

the child decays. 

like a flower, deprived of sun and water, the child shrivels. 

they decay on the inside, their heart turning into nothing. 

and they become teenagers, adults. they become adults who decay their children. 

and the cycle continues. 


	3. day three: is anyone listening?

escapril day three: is anyone listening?

they say if a tree falls in the forest and no ones around it it’s the heard. 

if the tree can’t be heard falling, has it hit the ground?

is the tree still standing proudly, it’s leaves swaying with the wind?

if a girl’s mind beats her to the ground but she tells nobody has it really beat her?

if the girl has panic attacks but no one is around to see, has she really panicked?

if a girl is best to her knees but nobody sees, is she not still standing with a smile on her face?

is the girl a tree, standing and waiting for someone to see her fall?


	4. day four: earthly pleasures

escapril day four: earthly pleasures 

“the humans have many earthly pleasures we cannot fathom” the alien told his brother. “do you ever wonder what it is like?”

the humans can hear birds chirping on the first day of spring. 

the dew on short grass in the morning chills their toes. 

they tuck away their large coats until next winter,

and up at the clear sky they beam. 

they thank mother nature for the warmth after a long winter. 

when summer comes the humans eagerly jump into the sea. 

they lather their skin in sun protectant. 

they go to amusement parks on rides that make them scream. 

the season goes by faster than they expected. 

they gaze up at the sky and curse mother nature for summer’s end. 

the humans sink their feet into the green grass

they walk barefoot through the woods

they feel wind blow against their face as they run

the leaves crunch in their hands. 

they relish in the chill, the holidays yet to come. 

at the first snowfall the humans shiver

they dig through closets for warm skin covers

the youngest humans build snowmen

the oldest stay inside hidden

after the holidays they curse mother nature again, saying how cold they are. 

“no,” says the brother, “i think the humans deserve their little earthly pleasures. after all, they only have the singular planet. we have the entire galaxy to explore.”


	5. day five: the view from up here

escapril day five: the view from up here

as a kid i would swing and pump my little legs

look up at the sky

look down at the grass

as i jumped through the air

all i could scream was “mama look!”

i was mesmerized by the feeling of flying without a care

now, sitting on the roof

holding a drink and my favorite book

all i can think to say,

“the view from up here is worth every awful day”


	6. day six: obsession

escapril day six: obsession

the all consuming need to see every movie

to know all there is to know 

to read every single book in the local library

to smell all smells

to taste all foods

to walk every road

to experience everything life can give

that, is the obsession with a beating heart. 

and that, is the meaning of life. 


	7. day seven: chemical reaction

escapril day seven: chemical reactions

i don’t know anything about chemistry 

haven’t memorized any of the elements 

but i know that you and me

are just made of the same ingredients. 


	8. day eight: hometown

escapril day eight: hometown

i think a hometown isn’t so much where you grew up,

but how. 

i grew up with a father who makes stupid jokes 

and a mother who does way too much

i learned to ride my bike in an abandoned restaurant lot

and spent my time looking at the sun until i saw spots

i didn’t have any friends but my cousins

we played house until our eyelids drooped 

& when our moms would put us to bed

we’d complain we weren’t finished pushing each other’s buttons

i grew tall like a weed

i had everything i could possibly need

i’m not done growing

but i know whatever happens i can always come back home


	9. day nine: natural light

escapril day nine: natural light

as I lie in bed, the sun ghosts over my face

and I wake. 

my face is warmer than a blanket from the dryer

I peek out my window to see the sun slowly climbing higher

towards the clouds. 

I have to blink a few times against the glare

and I run a hand through my tangled hair. 

My eyes look mint green in the sun

and the pupils are nothing more than minuscule dots 

I let the natural light seep into my skin

and get ready to untangle my hair knots

and start the day. 


	10. day ten: parasitic

escapril day ten: parasitic

there’s this little parasite that sits in the very back of my head  
she kicks the walls of my brain  
and does anything she can do bring me pain  
sometimes she convinces me i’m dead

she grabs hold of all the good memories  
clutches them in tiny fists  
clouds my senses with a black mist.  
she knows how to convince me there’s no such thing as recovery.

she’s at her worst when she pushes the trauma forward.  
until i’m not present and i’m in the past  
until all i feel is my hope smashed.  
all my parasite brings is horror.


	11. day eleven: heaven/hell

escapril day eleven: heaven/hell

they say we should fear hell

because it’s full of fire 

& we should be scared of the devil

but is fire not equates with warmth?

were those nights around the campfire with our friends

not the best memories we have?

why is hell not good enough?


	12. day twelve: submerged in water

escapril day twelve: submerged in water 

i first learned what it was like to drown at the age of nine. 

in a pool surrounded by strangers water filled my throat

i choked. 

no one noticed, so i fought tooth and nail

not even aware i was submerged in water. 

too focused on the the panic of death death death.

four years later i drowned in love

surrounded by my peers

nothing could be better than this

laughter echoing through my ears

yesterday i drowned in fear

a deep thud filling both ears

what if’s filling my throat and spilling out

into loud cries of doubt

i hope the next time i drown it’s in love and laughter. 

i hope the pattern continues. 


	13. day thirteen: the city

escapril day thirteen: the city

they say the city is for those who don’t sleep

those who rush

i’ve never lived in a city, just this little town

but i’ve never had a peaceful night


	14. day fourteen: pink, like your brain

escapril day fourteen: pink, like your brain

i have lots of questions to ask the surgeon

the one who took a scalpel and cut a line down my back

stuck his gloved hands in

to twist and turn my spine until it was an even line

was my spine stained by my blood?

is it watery in there?

we’re you able to touch my organs?

was there ever a moment you worried you’d have to tell my parents I was dead?

to console them as they realized their only daughter would never reach her 15th birthday, 

less than two weeks away.

one last question, doc

was my heart the same pinkish

as my brain?

could you feel the beating thuds?


	15. day fifteen: euphoria

escapril day fifteen: euphoria 

euphoria. 

a feeling or state of intense excitement and happiness. 

a noun. 

biking down a steep hill. 

eating your favorite pasta dish. 

singing the lyrics to Dear Evan Hansen in your bedroom. 

writing a new story. 

dancing with your best friends to a shitty song. 

watching a new episode of whatever show you’re currently obsessing over. 

living, not just surviving. 


	16. sixteen: bearing fruit

escapril day sixteen: bearing fruit

there’s this story in the bible

where Adam and Eve are forbidden from eating from this tree

but here’s the thing

Eve looks at the tree, which is bearing all this delicious fruit

And Eve is human. she thinks and speaks and most of all she’s stupid. 

so Eve **takes** , and she eats, and because she also has the kindness of a human she offers some to Adam. 

so Adam eats. 

There’s more to the story of course, but important part is that they **take** and they **eat**. 

There’s another story, this one more recent. 

A child sees a toy, but another is playing with it. 

What does the child do? They **take**. 

The other child cries. 

As humans we **take** , not thinking of the stolen from. 

Just as god was angry his fruit had been taken,

and just as Eve and Adam cried when they were punished,

We humans **take** and anger and cry when we’re punished. 

Humans haven’t evolved since Adam and Eve. 

It’s about time change happened. 


	17. seventeen: grief

escapril day seventeen: grief

i think the weird thing about grief is all the thing you forget 

you forget the image of their eyes closed

hands clasped over stomach

skin covered in makeup

the color of the coffin

the engraving in the stones a live their body

you forget the sound of their voice

the way they purses their lips when you declined a snack

how their hair curled on the ends

the way their eye lit up when they spoke of their spouse

you forget the stories they always told

the smell of cookie being baked

the radio playing 60s tunes

the secret smile they would send when they told a joke

but you never forget the ache in your chest when you remember they’re gone and won’t do any of those things again. 


	18. eighteen: how did the sky look?

escapril day eighteen: how did the sky look?

when most people hear someone’s died they ask how it happened

or who was there

or when the funeral is

if they were in pain

but no one ever asks how the sky looked. 

i remember the day he was rushed to the hospital, i was barely awake

his very last words were to me

i think i expected the earth to shake

but instead the sky was clear as can be

sunny even, as if his last gift 

was that of warmth on my skin 

like the last hug he would ever give

maybe that’s why i enjoy summer 


	19. nineteen: tough to be a bug

escapril day nineteen: tough to be a bug 

do you know what it’s like to be crushed?

to be screamed at

have you ever been swatted at as if you were what is wrong with the world?

crushing feels like a deep seeking

it’s a dark thing

the darkness seeps into your vision

being crushed is knowing you won’t see your family again. 

the loud yells of children

screaming, “KILL IT KILL IT!”

is my life not worth as much as theirs?

where are their manners?

the plastic of the swatter stings like a bee

except a bee only stings once bothered. 

the swatter needs no misdeed,

only that of existence. 


	20. twenty: moon

escapril day twenty: moon

eyes are just little moons, our faces the atmosphere. 

eyes, glistening from excitement. 

eyes, shining with tears. 

eyes, holding secrets no one else can understand. 

eyes, watching over earth. 

moon, imprinted with the steps of excited Buzz and Neil. 

moon, crying at every new droid left alone in its atmosphere. 

moon, knowing of the dinosaurs’ demise long before they did. 

moon, watching over earth. 


	21. twenty one: moon

escapril day twenty one: hands, wrists, teeth

I touch my hands to everything.

it's like a second sight, almost

I look, then feel,

then I really know what I've touched.

I put my hands on things without a thought.

Pillows, my face, my wrists.

It's how I self soothe, my therapist explains.

I only wish it didn't make me get zits all over my face.

I clench my teeth when I'm anxious.

My dentist hates me for it,

and I've tried other ways to cope,

but my teeth always grind no matter what i do.

yoga doesn't work fix me,

you can't namaste away anxiety.


	22. twenty two: into the woods

escapril day twenty two: into the woods

“into the woods” i joke to my doctor on the first visit. 

we hike through the files of past medications that didn’t work. 

we stop after an hour of me explaining all the different hurts. 

and we had barely made a dent. 

“into the woods” i murmur as I try another diet

something to soothe this stomach

to make me feel alive for once

and less like i’ve been ill for months 

i go to more appointments 

the doctor still doesn’t know

most days i put on a show

pretend everyday isn’t a disappointment. 

maybe i won’t ever be fixed

and i know my family wish for it

but it doesn’t seem to be happening

so i have to keep on managing. 

to my body i whisper “i’ll be gentle now”

no more poking and prodding

just gentle care and loving

“i’ll be gentle now, if only you can be gentle too.”


	23. twenty three: focus on the texture

escapril day twenty three: focus on the texture

what is it about the texture of a cat’s fur that is so calming?

the co fort a few soft strokes can bring. 

or what makes nails against chalkboard so ear-splitting?

the grinding of stone against alpha-keratin

how do such different textures 

bring these contrasting reactions

it’s akin to sipping a lemonade mixture

and choking on ashes. 


	24. twenty four: black hole

escapril day twenty four: black hole

when i first learned about them i was terrified. 

they could eat our entire world right up,

and wouldn’t think of it. 

this is too much worry for a child’s mind. 

for years I wondered what it was like

to be an astronaut and look death in the face. 

is it like a far up hike,

where you look down and feel the fear in your chest?

or perhaps the astronauts think factually: it’s just empty space. 

but then i experienced an unending hunger. 

(to learn. to see. to experience.)

and i didn’t have to wonder. 

(and i don’t worry about the distance.)

now i know a black hole

only does what it knows. 

(and it won’t eat me. 

probably.)


	25. twenty five: extinction

escapril day twenty five: extinction 

there’s all this talk of going extinct

humans being killed by the earth we hurt

earth rebuilding herself

on her own because humans were too much. 

but no one wonders if the dinosaurs knew. 

were they aware they would be struck?

did the little ones know it would be the last day they ran amuck,

or did they simply go on without a clue?

i’m trying so hard to help the earth

but i don’t think i’ll be much help. 

what can i do when i’ve done so much hurt?


	26. twenty six: serpentine

escapril day twenty six: serpentine

my spine has a certain serpentine shape to it

curving slightly to the right, then the left. 

and like a serpent strikes at the right moment,

so do the sharp pains leaving me no rest. 

i had thought the first bite would be the last

that only my scar would remain proof of its existence. 

but my spine, had it been able, would get the last laugh

because now a year and a half later, the pain is persistent. 

the hump i had lovingly named Finn

has returned and with him

a sharp ache in my rib. 

the disappointment i feel in the mirror

has returned with a vengeance 

so i keep it closed. 


	27. twenty seven: fight or flight

escapril day twenty seven: fight or flight

running

from a spider. 

from my dog. 

from the dark. 

from my thoughts. 

the ache of pounding feet against concrete

the stitch in your ribs as you push further

and as you speed up even more,

icy wind and face meet. 

running from 

and with myself

away and towards home. 


	28. twenty eight: (blank) as a weapon

escapril day twenty eight: (blank) as a weapon

there are so many weapons in this world that when asked what i prefer its easy.

confidence, self-assurance that i am a badass

so no thank you to a gun or knife, i’ll pass. 

eyeliner, the sharp end makes me feel like the Black Widow. 

a crop top makes me feel unstoppable. 

earbuds in and music playing, i walk with no fear down the street. 

with my favorite old navy zip up my anxiety is low, no matter who i meet. 

i suppose you couldn’t call it a real weapon

but google says a weapon is a means of gaining an advantage

and with my weapon i can manage


	29. twenty nine: monochrome

escapril day twenty nine: monochrome

when you’re always sick things get boring

my diet means the dinner table is never changing

although i get weaker, the foods stay the same

the six vitamins a day start to taste bland 

and i try to pretend they’re forbidden foods

meatloaf, cheese, and tomatoes canned. 

i wear bright colors to pretend my insides don’t feel grey

but it just reminds me my life has become 

one long boring monochrome. 


	30. thirty: dusk

escapril day thirty: dusk

as the day begins to dim

and dusk begins

the month draws to a close

i must force my panic to slow. 

the goals i had set

haven’t been met quite yet. 

and the ambition

is slowly beating me down

it’s quite a condition. 

i may have accomplished much

and have many on their way,

but the things i have not completed

scream loud in my mind everyday. 


End file.
